Newest adventure I am embarking on is a path towards a better behind. [SEE PICTURE- I also have stopped wearing velour sweatpants as well-- big changes going on here]
And how am I going to do this you ask? Well I happened to have gone on a casting call for an infomercial that needs girls, ah hem, women [ I may have lied about my age by 2 years and even opted to scour the streets for a fake ID vendor. ] who want to improve their ass. A “butt diet” [company's words not mine] if you will. And I guess I wasn’t the only one who found my backside sub-par since they chose me as part of this test group. So now for the next 2 months, I say good bye to waking up with pizza and tiramisu in a cup from my corner “The Bread Factory” - I actually choked on the cinnamon layered on top of this delicious treat while ingesting it at a very fast rate on Sunday morning. We can all agree this is another warning sign that I have a horribly skewed relationship with food, both with quantity and speed of intake.
I will be given a lunchbox full of food daily after my 10-11 workout at the Equinox near Grand Central Station. I am being so specific of the location for either two reasons- I want you to come check out how great my ass looks in 2 months or I want my parents to be able to locate my body when I burn down the place with me inside it. [ I tend to overreact when I am hungry.]
So Day One. Hiiiiiii. We are all wearing name tags and are handed lunchboxes. First day of elementary school? I’ll take it. I still wish it was socially acceptable for my food to come in a Pocahontas lunch pail. But I fight back the urge to inquire about this since I am pretending to be 2 years older than I am [26 GASP!?- Do you think I’ll have my very own accountant or investment plan by then?] The instructor picks me out amongst all the other girls waiting and says “Why don’t you go hop on a machine before we begin.” He motions to an elliptical and I hop on and stare longingly at the other girls forming the best friendships ever, while I am left with my Iphone [new purchase!!] and Mariah Carey doing that weird screeching thing on the top of her lungs.
We enter class 15 mins later and within 30 seconds I am grabbed by the hand, like the lunchbox toting, name tag wearing child I am and put in the center of the room. The instructor knew immediately that my hand- leg coordination and basic steps were all over the place and I clearly needed more direction. It also could have had to due with my giggling whenever he referred to the butt as the "boom, boom." I'm sorry but when you tell me to "Put my hands on my boom boom" I just lose minor concentration. But halfway thru the butt blasting, which including a variation of squats and lunges combined with jumps and twists, one of the instructors yelled “Yes Katelyn! You are really rocking it today!” with more enthusiasm then I have when I see a hot dog street vendor. WOO HOO! I almost passed out and--- continuing with the elementary school theme- I couldn’t wait to go home and tell my mother what the teacher said about me!
One woman got a bloody nose- which of course I somehow found a reason to be jealous about because I have never gotten a bloody nose and I am afraid I might be missing something- and another threw up apparently in a trash can in the bathroom.
I also have always been amazed at women’s locker room etiquette. I figured since we are all a group of women who were told that we need to tone and tighten up, I figured we all wouldn’t be showing our stuff in the beginning. It was enough for me to know that the woman next to me on the elliptical in my regular gym liked to carve designs into her public hair but now I have to be with these women everyday for the next 2 months- I would rather not know their nipple size/coloration when they are sweating next to me in class. I am often too observant for my own good.
I take my lunchbox and I call my grandmother because she is the only person I can think of who will relish in the fact that I am being forced to eat healthy free meals. As of today I have had a chocolate protein shake that I actually pretended was molded and crafted to perfection from McDonalds when I closed my eyes and a zucchini egg white omelet for breakfast. A apple, vegetable soup, ground turkey and asparagus for lunch and a snack and for dinner I have zucchini stuffed tilapia and green beans. I hate zucchini since I made a promise to myself that I would never eat anything that came from my mothers garden, which was a short lived affair, back in 1992. Now I fear I am turning into a zucchini since I have eaten it three times today.
I wonder what will happen on my way home from work when I walk past “The Bread Factory” and there is chocolate mousse staring at me through the window. I will either have a near death experience from the realization that I could possibly be changing my eating habits or that I ingested the top layer too fast and I can’t get enough air. Time will tell.
