http://www.mtv.com/videos/
When I think back on the things that I have done and gotten myself into, I still feel a sense of regret that I was never on a Nickelodeon game show. I can obviously blame this on my parents, like most things i.e. any weight gain, sense of righteousness and horrible Boston accent. When in doubt, everything is their fault and if they don’t like it than they shouldn't have had me by accident. But even though I never made it on “What Would You Do?“ Or “Guts” [I somewhat got over this one after dressing up as a Gut's contestant for Halloween] I did in fact find myself on the hit MTV show, “The Phone.” Correction: it wasn’t a hit and I was not the breakout Snookie star of this MTV flop, produced by Justin Timberlake, nor did I even get to meet JT. I still sense bitterness creep up as I type this. OH really Justin, you can play me like that? You can go on Leno and Letterman and show clips of me being shot at and screaming my face off but you wont invite me to your premiere party!? I made that show what is it! And that was a total bomb….not the kind you “pretended” to throw at me during the show so I would scream and yell things in a Boston accent either. A miserable failure for you and your production team. But we all bounced back didn’t we? I cant wait to see your Yogi Bear impression in your new movie with Dan Akroid by the way. I hope you invite him to that premiere party too.
But besides my bitterness towards the first guy I had a tacked on my bedroom wall, [NSYNC circa 1998] I had the best time filming the show. Yes, I was sequestered in the same hotel the Craigslist Killer killed a call girl in and I did have to wear the same clothes three days in a row after continuously rolling around a junk yard and boat loft in them. None of that mattered when I was running after imitation money flying into Boston Harbor and dodging fake bullets from Mafiosos [paid actors off Craigslist no doubt] in over sized mink coats. Just like a Nickelodeon show, and similar to getting slimed or hit in the face by fake boulders coming off the Agrocrag, competing for money and making an ass out of yourself on nation TV can be exhilarating.
I was unemployed for a few months after graduation and divied my time between watching children, dog sitting, serving people mediocre food and selling my worldly possessions on Ebay. This left me ample opportunity to scour Craigslist for game shows to get my sorry unemployed ass on. [This is now the third Craigslist reference and I am starting to see a trend/become a tad concerned.] I came across one ad calling for adventurous individuals. I’ve swam with sharks, scaled a few glaciers and taken my fair share of flaming 151 shots so I applied. I included a picture of me falling out of an inflatable slide which happens to be my family’s business [another story for another day] and what doesn’t scream “adventure” like bouncy inflatables? I got called into an interview and wooed them with my stories about returning clothes I had already worn to department stores, pretending to be married to get free Target gift cards, and dealing with my boyfriend's mother who often saw dead people. [All individual stories that deserve their own blog posts.] Six months later, and two weeks after I had actually gotten a real job in NYC, I heard back that they wanted me on their Boston episode. I panicked and made up a false illness that I needed immediate medical attention for and skipped town. If you must know, I told my employer that I had Crohn's disease and needed three days off to remove a piece of my intestines. I don’t know who the fuck I think I am and have since donated to the cause out of guilt. I later learned that most people with Crohn's disease carry around a colostomy bag, so if anyone ever needs a quick fake illness I do not advise taking this one as your own.
The producers gave me as minimal information as possible, assured me I wouldn't die but made me sign a shit ton of paperwork just in case, took away my cell phone and any means of outside communication and locked me in a hotel room with tape on the door, in case I should try to escape. It was in that room that I ordered an insane amount of macaroni and cheese, filet Mignon's and pay per view movies. I taught myself the dance to "Slumdog Millioniare" and sang the Star Spangled Banner until I convinced myself I was good enough to sing it at the Superbowl. I prank called other rooms and asked them what they were wearing and made a fort between the two queen sized beds and lounging chair. I vaguely recall reading the bible and talking aloud to myself. If I were there any longer I would have developed an imaginary friend or a concussion from flipping between the beds.
No one on the production team was allowed to communicate with me and I began to lash out and tell them:
"Well even if you actually talked to me I wouldn't like what you had to say anyways!"
It's amazing/embarrassing what you will say to people who pretend they can't hear you. They had a very attractive South American boy blind fold me every morning, grab me by the waist and direct me out of the hotel. He was not allowed to talk to me either and for a moment I thought I must be on a show where they torture people. I often pretended to trip or become disoriented so he would come to my rescue.
"What's your Christian name?"
"How old are you?"
"What's your favorite food?"
"How can you live with yourself ignoring me like this?!?!"
These were all met with an excruciating silence. I sat in a car with him for three hours a day while they set up the shots. He would turn up the music real loud when he was sick of my begging pathetic questions or when I was singing the Star Spangled Banner too loudly.
The first day after laying blindfolded in the backseat of a car contemplating if this boy would ever truly love me, I was yanked from the vehicle and pushed into a park. All the people there were frozen in place and they would not speak to me either. I thought it was me, since my social skills had taken a major hit after being met with silence for the past 12 hours. Then I heard a phone ringing. I ignored it and tried to make these frozen people talk to me.
"Do you know what I am supposed to be doing here?"
"Crazy weather we're having huh? Aren't you cold in that jacket?"
I even poked one of them in the leg when he flinched a little. I ignored the phone ringing for the second time and then realized the little information I had gotten was that this show was actually called, "The Phone." It was then I heard someone through a loud speaker scream "PICK UP THE PHONE." I found it under a bench and answered.
"Hello?"
"Who is this?"
"You called me."
"Ask who this is..."
"Is this JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE??!"
It turns out that it was not JT. I hear the same person on the loudspeaker yell "CUT!" and a woman who previously ignored me, runs over and directs me to pick up the phone and ask "Who is this?" apparently this is a crucial part of this production. I do as I am told and a guy falls off a roof and I hear gun shots, I find my partner and meet the team we are "playing against." We are instructed that it is our job to take down the mob and protect the citizens of Boston. AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID. You can thank me later Boston as I did a great service to you. I expect a statue of me scantily dressed for all to admire upon my tragic death, most likely by sharks as I believe this is the best and most talked about way to go.
It wasn't an easy feat taking down the mob that day [or 3 days condensed into one for the sake of "reality.] When I won the trivia question at the end of the game, [because how can you take down the mob and restore peace in the city of Boston without trivia?!?] and I told my partner that I would split the 20 grand with him, I knew, despite past mistakes, stereotypes and judgements, along with lots of alcohol, sex and bad manners and ultimately receiving my 1st holy communion even though I somehow skipped out on confession, I was actually a good fucking person. I just gave a total stranger 10 thousand dollars, who in their lifetime can say they did that? THIS GUY. [me] And I knew I gave the money to the right person when I saw him spin out in his red Mustang after the show was finished shooting. My Toyota Avalon would agree with me wholeheartedly.
So yes it's true. I won a game show and I did it with such grace and charisma as I yelled, "I GOT THE PICT-CHAS!! GET OVER HE-AH!" If you ever need to be reminded of my 10 minutes of fame please purchase Episode 103 "The Wise Guys" on ITunes for $6.99. The best $6.99 you have ever spent? Duh. But that's only because we live in NYC and lunch will cost you double that.
http://www.mtv.com/shows/the_phone/episode.jhtml?episodeID=153794
No comments:
Post a Comment